It was midafternoon when I popped in my wireless Bluetooth earbuds, blasted Depeche Mode, and walked to Trader Joe’s. The BF and I decided that a German potato salad on ciabatta buns sounded good for lunch, so I went hunting for bacon, a red onion, chocolate milk for him, and alcohol for me.
The wall of fog in the west has been creeping closer all day. It builds up higher and higher, creating a frothy foam on the bottom of the clear blue sky. A dramatic backdrop to the hills of buildings that dip and rise like rollercoaster rails.
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The air nips and whips strands of loose hair around my head. I must keep my hair pulled back in a bun or plastic claw, or it’ll come alive in the wind and blind me. Sunglasses on, I squint, looking for a shady side of the street with taller buildings that can block out the wind and sun.
I’m still in love with SF and consider it a trillion times better than living in Utah. And I can’t believe I’ve lived here for over a year.
For once, TJ’s wasn’t packed with people in a hurry. The store’s speakers echoed old tunes; the layers between their music and DM’s cover of David Bowie’s “Heroes” created a comfortable sound wall-headspace so I could shop in peace.
It’s bittersweet shopping at TJ’s when it’s the closest option for affordable groceries.
Hand-basket contents:
-one red onion
-one half-gallon carton of chocolate milk
-one box of green tea
-seedless red grapes
-4-pack of chocolate muffins (for the bf)
-ciabatta buns
-uncured no-sugar bacon
I wandered up and down the beer/wine aisle, trying to pick anything that isn’t a thirty-something-dollar bottle of gin (which is what I really want) or a weak <5% beer or cider. Not many German beers to choose from, which is what I would’ve preferred to pair with the potato salad, but that’s fine.
I settled on a 4-pack of sparkling Italian rosé (10% ABV), which is perfect since I found out a couple of nights ago that an 8% IPA doesn’t give me a buzz like it used to. The problem right now is that I’ve run out of gin, I’m working through a bottle of Kraken rum that tastes like candy, but I’ve been more in the mood for something bitter with a kick. But really, I just want more gin and can’t convince myself to spend the money on an entire bottle.
I’m going to start writing another novel this year. October will be my planning month, scribbling down ideas and playing with scenes, plots, and character descriptions. November, well, that’s National Novel Writing Month, so the plan is to write my novel then. I’ve completed NaNoWriMo before, but the last two times, I gave up on a story about a woman slowly losing her mind in a haunted apartment and traveling between two centuries. Before that, a bildungsroman about a 20-something guy with a mental illness who finds out his gay ex-girlfriend was murdered.
Really, it’s fun being inside my head.
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The last three months have been a slowdown period for me. I quit my full-time job, began freelancing more, and picked up two laid-back part-time jobs entirely different from what I’ve done for the last two years. I’m happy and in shock.
I hadn’t realized how depressed I was and how much I hated my job. Its negative impact on my mental health was so thorough I feel like I’ve crawled out of a six-foot-deep ditch. Working graveyard shifts from 7pm to 4am was melting my brain and ruining my health, and I figured out that working remotely full-time wasn’t good for me either. I need human interaction. Being isolated while having only a few hours of sunlight to feel like a human being pushed me to quit as soon as possible.
Now sleeping a total of eight hours at night, my mind is unclouded. I’m out in the city more, and I’ve lost weight (the heaviest I’ve ever been was working at home during the beginning of the pandemic).
I love being out, people-watching while I work in the city, and having evenings to spend with my BF when he comes home instead of squeezing in a “Hello” or “How was your day?” in a one-hour break before he would go to bed.
I’m healthier and happier but still combating the devastation of Roe v. Wade being overturned. Now with talk of a stupid National Abortion Ban bill, I know it’s just a matter of time before more rights are stripped away.
The rise of Fascism rooted in White Nationalism and Christianity in this country is a sickness. As time ticks by, I wonder how rotten things will really get.
My thoughts are on the women of Iran protesting for their freedom. My thoughts are on Ukraine and the Russians fleeing in fear of Putin. My thoughts are on Jackson, Mississippi. My thoughts are on Puerto Rico, and the list goes on…
It’s bleak.
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I bought my groceries and sauntered home, letting the blustery wind cool me off. It’s a balancing act. Staying focused, calm, and grateful daily for food, shelter, and the privilege of living in SF. Some days are more complex than others because underneath it all, there’s this quiet current of decay that I feel pulsate through the country, reverberating across the globe. Is it my own decay that I’m projecting on the world?
More challenging times are ahead, or at least, that’s what I’ll always suspect.
I pull out my phone and switch to the playlist “The is The Cure.” I miss picking out CDs, searching for vinyl and inspecting the grooves, and going to bookstores or the library every week.
I cross California Street and analyze the tops of buildings, corners, and crevices. I don’t know anything about architecture, but I recognize the styles that resonate with me. I aim to capture just the bits and pieces of SF that stand out to me and put my haphazard collection on Insta. I can snap a shot of always on the lookout for a scene.
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What’s my next novel going to be about? I’m not sure yet. Although I’ve been thinking about realistic fiction a lot lately, I don’t know how could I write anything and not let what’s happening bleed in one way or the other. I won’t stop it from happening, but what would it be like? Maybe I could attempt to capture the mood, the desperation, the fear of the unknown “What now?”
How can I write realistic fiction without my life bleeding into the story? What can a woman (an Atheist living a child-free life by choice) add to the conversation? I’ll let you know.
What I’m excited about: I’m going to My Chemical Romance next week in Oakland!
What I’m reading: Writers on Writing
What I’m watching: The Sandman and I am dying to read the comic too!
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