There’s been too much going on, from the war in Ukraine to the January 6th Attack Public Hearings, the continual mass shootings, and Roe v. Wade being overturned. I’ve been walking between two worlds of observations; looking at it all play out during moments of accidental disassociation. A writer left with her thoughts and words simmering in the dark violence that thrives.
I need some tea, I need some time, I need silence.
I haven’t written anything for this blog section since April because I’ve been working through everything that’s going on and making some life changes. But I think many of us are.
COVID-19 is still around, and inflation is now the highest it’s ever been in over four decades. And it doesn’t seem to be letting up. What’s next?
Recently, I recognized that what I’ve been feeling is similar to my state of being in March 2020. I’m watching sand castles get obliterated by a raging storm. And there’s this constant feeling of something preternatural churning below the surface around us.
During long, drawn-out days, it all reverberates through me. The whole world seems to be shattering, and I’m overwhelmed by all the battles. My emotions take the wheel, and I’m a wreck of worry, wondering what’s going to happen.
A Writer Slowing Down: Centering Myself and Quitting My Job
I’ve taken time to slow down and reassess what’s important and what needs to change in my life. This past month, I quit my job and pivoted to part-time ones in different fields.
I am working a couple of freelancing gigs; for one, I’m a freelance writer for a company where I craft SEO blog content for B2B and B2C companies. For the other, I’m doing more and more freelance work via Fiverr, and the uptick in orders has been wild. On top of that, I’m prepping for a part-time assistant role to get me out of the apartment and into the city more.
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I realize I’ve been letting stress get the better of me for a few months now, and I can’t afford to let it continue. There’s no point in letting what you can’t control take control of you. But I constantly struggle with this.
All I have are my words and books to get me through this. And at the end of the day, I have to keep writing.
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Chewing On My Words and My Writer’s Mind
A gestation period of some sort. I recognize what this country is going through and what’s happening elsewhere; we are living in an era that won’t be forgotten, and it may be years until there is any kind of “peace.”
Some days, I need to word vomit about it until there’s nothing left. But, the trauma of the last two years has compounded with recent events leaving me hollowed out. So I have to cope.
I’ve been pouring over books, freewriting, and just getting lost trying to keep my mind busy. I can’t ignore what’s happening or how it affects me and everyone else; that’s impossible. But, I need small moments of nothingness, of “wasted time,” to reset my mind.
Staying Sane: Reading Poetry and Listening to Music
When times get tough, I only know how to keep it together by doing what I’ve always done: reading, writing, and learning. So here’s what I’ve been absorbing lately.
I’m reading Fog and Light: San Francisco through the Eyes of the Poets Who Live Here. And I’ve already begun putting together my SF July 2022 Spotify playlist.
At the beginning of the month, I finished Two Lives: Gertrude and Alice by Janet Malcolm and wrote a short review on Goodreads. I’m still unsure if I really liked the book or if my skepticism of the couple, specifically Gertrude’s character, was being projected on the book.
These are all fine things, good things I’ve done to keep my mind busy. But there’s no denying that what’s been happening is affecting me.
Thoughts on Roe v. Wade
I’ve been worried about Roe v. Wade being overturned since Trump got into office. And when it finally happened, a numbness swept over me mixed with boiling rage.
With what’s going on, I am lucky I live in California, but I’m devastated. I can’t stop thinking about all the people whose human rights have been stripped across the country. And this is just the beginning.
Now it’s a countdown until they come after everyone who’s fought to have their voice heard, to be recognized and respected by society. If we don’t stand up for fundamental human rights, the boot will continue to smash us deeper into the ground and closer to hell.
Feeling Less Than but Going on
In this society, I’m considered less than a human being but just a tool to be used by those in power. But this isn’t new, this has always been happening, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to see my rights gradually be stripped away during my life just because I’m a woman.
Joan Didion has been on my mind. Her work in the 60s was revolutionary. Her journalism, style, and voice are still strong, and I keep looking back because now the past feels like it’s come back from the dead. How can I balance writing and having something to say while dealing with the absolute turmoil of what’s going on?
It sucks.
And there’s nothing left to do but to go on. To keep going and see it all through. What I’m writing may warble and show signs of my emotional wear, but it’s the best I can do.
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