The events of this week have left me emotionally drained and exhausted. Kenosha, Hurricane Laura, everything. I am trying to stay positive, read more, exercise, and take care of my health but it’s so much work right now with everything going on. I can’t give up. I have to keep hope for the future. Here’s a small poem, because I don’t have the energy to go into detail about the brutal shootings in Kenosha and the protests. It’s heart-breaking.
DISCLAIMER: This blog post is a reflection of personal experiences and opinions. My blog is personal, so is my writing, my poetry, all of it. I’ll cut to the chase to save you some time. I support BLM, and I wear a mask. I’ll state that now, since it seems like everyone only cares about knowing what side you’re on?
Motivation? Where?
I feel like a train slowing down on the tracks, out of steam, out of energy. Tired. For the past week, I’ve been asking myself, “Where’s my motivation?”
R.I.P. John Lewis
Reading about John Lewis has been inspiring. His death has reverberated through the country, and he will be sorely missed. Losing Lewis now during the movement is a blow, but his work, his life continues to influence many. Myself included. Rest in peace John Lewis.
I just started watching this a couple of days ago. Amazing. I’m a huge fan of the Watchmen comic, it played an important part of my teen years, and the movie that came out (over a decade ago now?!) was pretty cool. I highly recommend this series if you’re in the mood for something serious and dark. It’s relevant to present times.
Sick of being inside, but I’m staying indoors.
Four months I’ve been inside, staying home, rarely going out. And when I leave the apartment, I’m only going to places I have to go to: the store, post office, and gas station. And the occasional social distancing visit with a family member. In total, I’ve probably been out maybe fifteen times.
Whenever I go to a public place, I wear my mask. It’s just common courtesy, but I guess it’s too much of an inconvenience to save lives for some people?
Guess what there’s a great little group of anti-maskers in Utah calling themselves “Defending Utah” that have been flash mobbing retail stores—protesting by swarming places, putting Utahns at risk, and putting their own lives at risk.
I did a bit of research, and it turns out that there were also anti-maskers during the 1918 Spanish Flu Pandemic. Big surprise.
I’m worn out. It seems to me that every single thing is being politicized. Every action taken is scrutinized with social media as the tool. I’m not saying I’m innocent, and I haven’t been doing this, I have, but even I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of people starting up arguments. It’s a waste of time because they’re not interested in having a conversation; they only want to yell their opinions. I am not interested in seeking out people that I disagree with and attacking them with belittling comments and derogatory remarks that are not my style.
I love to have conversations with people. I don’t care if you believe in god or not. I don’t care if you call yourself a republican or democrat, I am open to talking with anyone. The country is divided (always has been) it’s disheartening to see the division grow.
Of course, there will probably be some troll out there that will take that as an invitation to start attacking via “let’s have a conversation.”
What I’m not open to is opening up a conversation with someone only interested in tooting their own horn and proceeding to attack me and my beliefs.
Everyone is so busy fighting with each other, we’re getting distracted. People are questioning everyone’s motives; people are questioning scientific studies and facts. People are skewing the truth to fit their narrative (they’re not protestors, they are anarchists).
This will go on for the rest of the year, possibly next year too, but that’s just my opinion. I think it’s very likely things are not going to “die down.” The tension is only going to get worse the closer we get to the Election.
What I’ve been up to
I’m focusing on remote work, freelancing, and writing. But lately, I feel burnt out, exhausted, and struggling to keep my motivation up. I want to help, do my part, and show my support for Black Lives Matter.
Does that mean being a full-time social media BLM protestor? Sharing news and events, signing petitions, and making donations with whatever extra money I have? Yes.
To combat feeling burned out, I have been cutting down how many hours I work each day (usually around nine or ten). I also take micro-breaks from social media, turning off my notifications for twenty-four to forty-eight hours and focus on something else.
Why are people questioning science? Doctors? Health officials with background and experience in their respective fields? Why are people ready to fight against wearing a mask?
Where the hell did the rumor that masks are harmful to wear come from?
The first I heard of it was last Monday when I watched Governor Herbert’s COVID Briefing LIVE on K.S.L.
Bizarre.
What’s even crazier to me, reading in The Salt Lake Tribune that Cache County has asked it’s residents to have a “day of prayer“? This state is bizarre. I’ve said it before for years and years now, and I’ll repeat it IN UTAH THERE IS NO SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. Don’t get me started on Utah County, and I don’t want to get into that today.
Staying Positive
The movement is still going.
But I admit it’s hard to stay positive when…
…I read about Portland protestors being assaulted and detained by unidentifiable (no badge, no I.D. number) Feds.
…I read Trump’s Remarks on Phase Four Negotiations, and he equates protestors with anarchists and says he’s going to deploy Feds to cities “run by liberal Democrats.“
…My Property Manager tells me I have to take down my BLM sign in my window because one of their properties had a window smashed displaying a sign. Interpret that however you like.
Despite my lack of motivation, I am inspired now more than ever to take action and donate more, sign more petitions, and do my tiny part in keeping the movement going.
I’ve made more donations besides these including Black Lives Matter organizations, George Floyd’s family, and others, but I can do more. I can be better and do better.
I’ll end with this; I hope you are doing well. I hope you are safe and healthy.
July sucks. Everything sucks. Maybe not always, but why is this month so hard?
Since July 4th, Independence Day, I’ve lost a lot of motivation.
Juggling two internships, revising my novel, looking for freelance opportunities, and applying to jobs. And oh yeah, that’s right, keeping up with the Black Lives Matter protests. Add a thick layer of COVID-19 cases spiking across the nation, and in Utah, we are now ranking in the Top 30 places with COVID cases per day, lack of testing, and lose restrictions.
Bring it on.
I’ve focused on cutting back on social media and scheduling a lot of my Twitter, Facebook Page, and LinkedIn posts instead. Re-sharing, sharing again and sharing petitions, links to donations, and news supporting the BLM movement plus everything else I’m doing.
Now I’m stuck.
Stuck feeling like every day is a new struggle. A brand new day to see if I can keep it all together, keep hope, and truck along.
Now more than ever, I feel like change is possible. It can happen, but the tension, the debates, and the absolute absurdity in politicizing every issue this country is facing right now are hindering progress.
Why is wearing a masked political when there are data and facts, scientists and doctors, that give us real reasons to wear a mask?
Why is it increasingly us versus them?
Why is a fight for equality, BLM, perceived by some as anti-American?
That seems to me to go against what it means to be an American. Isn’t the whole point of America justice, liberty, and freedom for ALL? I’m sorry, am I wrong? I guess maybe not “ALL” just a select few, such as those who are NOT POC, who are NOT POOR, who are NOT RICH WHITE MALES.
I guess if we reduce people to numbers, “1% will die? Ok, that’s fine with me,” suddenly we don’t care?
1% of people dying in the U.S. from COVID is A LOT OF PEOPLE. Approximately a little over 3 Million.
We thought 9/11 was bad, what about COVID?
But maybe 3 Million people dead is not enough for some to care?
Oh, well, I guess if most of that 1% are minorities and poor, it doesn’t matter at all?
This is what I’m seeing; this is what I’m hearing.
We are in a war, a war against COVID, poverty, inequality, and corruption. A fight to the death, for our lives.
I don’t understand the tension, the divide.
We are falling apart when we should be united, fighting to protect our neighbors, our families, our friends, everyone.
-Alina
On a lighter note, if you’re still with me, here’s a link to a few of my latest Medium stories:
This year has sucker-punched me so often on so many different levels; I’m not celebrating Independence Day.
A bad taste in the mouth.
Black Lives Matter protests and the fight against police brutality distorted into criminal acts by those that oppose it (I do not deny there are riots, I’m emphasizing how those against the protests are discussing the peaceful demonstrations). I live in a country where the government and its leaders have continually failed to fight the spread of COVID-19. Now other countries are banning travelers from the U.S. What does that say about how the rest of the world regards America? And The POTUS continues to try to cause even more division in this country with dismal speeches.
Yeah, I’m not feeling it.
Give me hope, give me peace of mind.
We need leaders that unite and fight to protect the health, safety, and well-being of the citizens.
Prove me wrong, please. Stand up and take action. Care for one another, wear a damn mask, and fight against injustice.
Is it so hard to care about people?
Since this post is just a bundle of joy, here are some positives that have made my week a bit better.
Freelancing on Fiverr, I made over $450 this month with my Beta Read Gig
Getting back on Medium, I will be writing content (about writing) just for Medium
Working on my novel, revising and editing
Balancing out my Literary Internship, Job Search, and Freelance Work
Coping with the George Floyd Protests
As you can see I’ve been pretty busy and I feel like I’m making progress. I’d love to hear from you all and know what you’ve been up to and how you are coping with everything happening right now.
Here are some links to the work I talk about in this session:
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